Monster Slaying

When I step out,  I sense you 

I feel the weight of your eyes following me

I hear the whispered thoughts even if you don’t scream them 

And if you do,  there is a sudden break in my calm

All at once I become high alert

Heart thumping up to my brain

Thoughts running for the nearest exit

I was trained by the likes of you to fear

To learn I was always unsafe

Can’t look too calm or I attract attention

Can’t look too certain or I attract your hate

Every day since I  was born a girl

It’s been a boot camp for survival

Don’t wear that

Don’t talk back

Don’t think for a second we don’t own you

Today as I walked home I wanted to scream 

Not for fear, but disgust

Ive grown tired of feeling your breath on my neck

Knowing no matter how many me too’s I hear you sit there in power

I am angry

Not in the quiet, enough is enough way

As in the beast inside me is raging to attack

No longer fall in line with what I’ve been taught 

I wanted to feel that I can wake fear in you

Maybe you’d turn your eyes away then

Avoid crossing my path

Know that one false move and you’d be in my line of attention

But I am not that person

I slay monsters like you

I will join the chorus until you can’t hear your own thoughts 

Until you know deep in your bones that we are your problem 

And we slay monsters left and right

We know too well how you work

So yes, you are our victims now

Call and Respond

It is just magical to witness you
How the light lands on all the right angles
You smile so feather light
Everything in this picture is perfect
From the flowers in your hair
To the men at your side
Even the babies seem peaceful
It all sings together in sweet harmony

Except me.

My hair does not flow in the wind,
It whips roughly against my face
The sun does not offer me it's love, 
It drains my composure with discomfort
And this smile, it is broken
Half real and half pretense for survival

I do not envy your life,
Please do not misunderstand
I wish I knew the happiness that fills it
Everything quiet and lovely that glows in an instant
I yearn to hold this close
Instead of feeling fearful of joy like it's a ghost in my home
And I would love to dream gently with hope,
But my dreams always host a shark looming close

I don't care for picture perfect,
It's never been right for me
But I wish I knew how to smile and feel it
If anything I'd beg for the voice to explain this 

And I want you to hear me
The words spat out have purpose
And they demand to be heard.


There is a pause, and you wander off
Disappearing in front of my eyes
A vacancy that leaves behind the ghost of your existence 

I've watched you come and go
First, with new etchings on your skin
Bright eyed with dreams
Then, you retreat
Returning with chopped hair and bright colors
You said you understood now
You were you

I never saw the bruises on your knuckles
Nor the cuts along your thighs
I saw your eyes were wide,
Yet never realized the sadness that lay behind

I saw the quirks, the lightness with which you walked
Gliding across the Earth with pride
The depth of your love for art
Paint decorating up and down your arms
But I didn't hear the storms dragging nearby
Nor see the chains strapped to your side
Never once noted the dark colors bruising below your eyes

Now you leave me wishing I understood
When all I can see is these signs
But then you were a wonderful mystery
That I wish had remained undefined.

Memories

There was the day we laughed at each other
When the rain caught us by surprise
But we embraced the warmth

There was a day we lounged around doing nothing
Talking about everything:
Things that annoyed us and dreams that felt possible for a minute

There was a moment our eyes met
Right through the room filled with others
We ran for each other, dancing out the joy of our reunion

There was a night we sat quietly in your car
Just content with each others company
But I knew then things were left unsaid

There was that time we drank too much
It was freeing and safe then
Everything seemed lighter and we had one another

There was the day you noticed I was not okay
You quietly talked around it as if I would crumble
But with those few words I understood you cared

There was the moment it all changed
You hurt me
Then I hurt you
We fell silent, becoming worse than strangers
Because I don't care for them, but you?
I wanted to talk to you
Still I couldn't because there was pain
And I wish I was a better person
But I hold on to retaliation like a shield against my heart
You were there and then you weren't
But I was left missing everything
And wishing it didn't have the bitter aftertaste

There was a moment I realized I would take it back
Have my do-over and try again
Be the better person
Be braver and face you
That was not me then
But now, I wish it had been

There is a moment I haven't lived yet
And that's one we will be us again.

the truth

I wish I could tell you it'll be okay
That I could lift up every weight falling on you
Warm you with the hope of tomorrow

I wish I could take the pain away
Make sure you never felt the need to cry again
Look up reassured you are not alone

I wish I could hold these things to be true
But I will not lie to you:
I won't always be there--I will let you down
Sometimes I may cause you pain
Sometimes you wont know hope but rather despair
It'll choke you to the edge of suffocation
But I know you, you will keep going
You will live another day
You will do better, be better than me

I wish that, more than anything,
Someday your tomorrow won't even include me.

Bitter Aftertaste

I am not allowed to say I don't like you
Despite every storm brought forward in waves
Like the fierce blow pointed at my forehead
Or the slamming down of everything stable in my day

I am not allowed to say you hurt me
It's embedded deep in my veins to respect
To not spit back the anger you pummeled me with
Nor break into tears because this is not the end

I am not allowed to avoid you
I drag along with a chain that keeps me in place
Listen to the number of ways I am wrong
Constant reminders that our life is frayed

I am not allowed to forget you
Biology works in awful ways
But if anything I wish I'd have a say
In how and if I should live this way.

Why do you stand in the way of progress?

Why do you stand in the way of progress?
You with the apathy
You shrug, you ignore
Act as if it's miles away
Event when it's spilling into your path

Why do you stand in the way of hope?
You the selfish
You fatten with the shrinking of others
Then claim it was your hard work, grit, and knowledge
And guard your earnings with rage

Why do you stand in the way of love?
You with the "faith"
You cling to words in a book
That don't justify your hate
Claim God Almighty
Please don't use His name in vain

Why do you stand in the way?
More easy to give love and embrace true justice
Then to stand with colors of blame

We have to care
We have to hope
We choose love and must live with faith
And someday I know,
You will no longer be a wall
But rather an open gate in our way.

Night Terrors

I was stabbed and bled today
but it was a dream, I said
So I stood, blood soiled clothes and weary
Trying to pretend everything was okay
I'm not dying, I thought
And no one saw my wound nor my exhaustion
Everyone acted the same
I dragged my feet zombie like
Someone pointed at a stain
Still no one saw I was dying
And I refused to believe it was real
Change the channel--I don't want anymore nightmares

I was stabbed and felt the killers breath
But I never saw their face.

Why

Why do you always smile?
A one in a million question
One that questions me more than my action
As if happiness were a sin
Perhaps lying is
The smile born of nerves
A forced muscle grown with time
Signaling nothing but I mean no harm
Move, there is nothing to see here

Why do you always smile?
Perhaps I've always been a broken record
But should one not smile?
Happiness is light on the surface
I embrace it when it visits
And yes, there is a masking effect too
One built from deep sadness and self doubt
I smile because I'm nervous and need a way out.

Why are you always so quiet?
As if silence were a monster
My patience on solid ground unnerves you
I've heard the sound of my voice,
It is beautiful
Most days pummeled by unkind thoughts
Forcing it to the ground
And silence is not discomfort
Rather quiet honest acceptance of myself

Why are you always so quiet? You ask
Because I know I have the strength to be loud.

A Haunting

It comes at night, in the morning or with silence

Sneaks up on you and pierces its claws though your skin

First leaving scratches, but with time it’s deep gashes

You go about your day

Still it haunts you

While you sit in quiet 

Or as you walk through a crowded room

It whispers your name, 

Just barely so you think you are insane

Then louder until there’s nothing but it that remains

It comes with force

Gravitates around each breath 

An eerie reminder of death 

And the life that remains

It taunts your every step

You are nothing and that will never change

Bullies you until the bruises blend in and your skin appears fragile 

When you think it’s finally gone, it lurks around the corner

Waiting until the next trigger that will set it ablaze.

Because it’s true

I want you to know something:

I love you

Not in this big grandiose way that would have you running through airports

Nor loud enough that everyone sees

It’s always been there

It’s solid and real 

It’s built on hope and faith in who you are

All that you can do

This is the true version

The kind that breathes on its own

The sort that lifts me up to keep marching 

I know these are strange words to hear

Every other day hate clouds our judgement

Every words spat out with ignorance

Builds walls of anger and drains you

The voices want to break you down

And sometimes they do

But I want you to know

I love you

I am with you today like I was yesterday

I know you’ve hurt and doubted yourself 

I see you 

I honor your pain 

I will fight for us

I am

I am a combination of colors

Of red white blue

Of red yellow green

Of rainbows with different shades of purples

Of grays when the storms come by

I am more than just one box or country

My roots expand the universe

Grounding me in solid faith

I am more than my depression

Sadness has tinged patterns in my life

But it has not taken it away

Bruises and cuts have decorated my path

But not determined it

I am more than one love

My heart has no boundaries 

And though it knows hate,

It grows with compassion 

I am more than black or white

I am brown and everything in between

Beautifully sun-kissed and brave 

With ancestors fiercely dancing onward

Now make me more than I could have been

I am a combination of colors 

I am different patterns of rainstorms

I am all kinds of sounds forming a melody

The kind you will only find once.

2am thoughts

If I could stop the world right now
I’d do everything in my power to feel okay
I wouldn’t allow myself to mope on what I don’t have
Nor focus on what I fear I’ve always wanted
I would have no one to compare myself
I could be happy with being just me

Instead the world keeps turning
And everyone moving while I’m stuck on a lonely path
No power to change the world
No fierce words to set things on fire
No sense of where I fit in this mess

But if I could stop the world today
I would hold on to every soothing whisper from the wind
Warm every inch of my skin with the summer rain
Breathe in the scents from roots buried deep in the soil
Feel alive and not just exist in a mass of milestones

I am alive
I am infinite
I am enough

If I could stop the world right now,
I might believe it.

Papers

How can a piece of paper decide our presence?
Our identity wrapped up into a few letters
We strive for this paper,
It’s golden edges and glimmer in the sun
Our lives dedicated to obtaining those few flat words
Suddenly I am more than before
Now you respect me
Now you honor my knowledge
Before I was no one
Now I am everyone
With dignity and honor
It justifies our existence as more than a just thing
All this power in what can ash easily turn
And is one rain storm away from shredding
It is nothing

We are everything
Our minds full of intelligence unmet
Our souls built to withstand the hate
We are fireproof
We are solid and real
And no paper can give that to us
And no paper can take it away.

when all seems lost

How can I give you hope today?
The silence is deafening
An inaction confirming the ignorance
The avoidance of the cries for change

How can I support you today?
The very ground beneath your feet crumbles
A foundation of lies and deception
Startles any sources of faith in we the people

How can I lend you strength?
You are weary of fighting
Hands cracked from a long winter
Souls worn down and disillusioned

How can I give you hope today?

This war is unjust and irrational
You matter
You deserve better
Your body tatters but you march on
With no gleam of shame or weakness

And if you can't afford hope today--
I will carry the torch on alongside you.

Letter to the future, past, present

I don't believe in your I listen
When you take my words and toss them aside
To make room for yourself
Turning everything I speak insignificant next to your lines

I don't believe in your I care
Because it sounds lovely, really it does
But when you flaunt kindness and care you don't earn points
I have known heroes whom were silent and exhausted

I don't believe in your I love you's
When you wont be real about its realness
With one breath you swat away the feather light words
And take away a hope barely grown

I don't believe the way you look at me
It sends one message but your actions sends another
You thrive in pulling me close enough to push me away
And leave me at nothing in the end

I believe in hands that hold mine through the good and unknowingly the bad
I believe in hearts that listen and know that it matters
I believe in actions of unyielding support that scream I love you
And I believe in honesty to tell me I was wrong

I believe in solid truths and deserve them.

Round 47

Everyone describes depression as an experience

For me it’s the longest relationship I’ve been in

We are constantly fighting until one of us breaks, usually me

Then I gather my strength to stand once again and we go more rounds

Everyone looks at depression as sadness

For me it’s a sink deep in my gut in which anything remotely good falls into

And sadness is a feeling and sometimes I can’t feel

But when I have sadness you won’t hear it, you won’t see it, but it lingers around me

I keep it tightly locked inside but sometimes it creeps through the cracks

Everyone believes depression will eventually go away

I used to as well but time has taught me otherwise

Sometimes it’s quietly in the edges of my life, observing until it’s ready for the next attack

Sometimes it sits on my chest keeping me barely alive with short breaths

But no matter how long it’s there or how long it leaves, I know it will come back

We are in a chaotic dance of life and death

There is nothing left but fighting

But I never said I would let it win. 

Dysthymia

Imagine a voice always there

Robbing happiness from the small moments

Marking the bad with permanent etches into your body

Imagine exhaustion so heavy you can’t sleep

It drags with you through the day

Lands heavy into your chest as you lay 

Imagine a mind so wired with hate

Thoughts pummel you with guilt 

Spiral you through the past 

Imagine years of agonizing confusion

Will it always be this way?

Am I the exception? 

Imagine the nightmares and loneliness

You want to both scream out your pain

Let the world know, let them in

Or silence the shame

Hide the wounds with an I’m okay

Tuck away the secrets, put up a front 

Who would understand?

At the end of the day—can you really imagine it?

Not Beauty, Not Beast

I need to stop pretending I am beautiful

That it was even a step I could reach 

My cheeks too round 

My body type too full

My eyes too kind

Everything at the wrong end of “pretty”

I need to stop wanting it so badly

Seeking approval from strangers

Hoping to equal people I’ll never meet

That will never care to glance towards me

Truly—neither will I

For they will never be the likes of mine

I need to tend to these wounds

Raw since originally crafted

Every movie a confirmation of my “not beauty”

Every diet forcing me to digest an ugly truth

I am not perfect

Nor do I want to be

I am wrong in all the right ways

Built to be strong from broken bones, bruised egos, and questioning brows

I am no beauty, I am no beast

I am truly magnificently me.

I am not afraid

I am not afraid to die
If it wished death would guide me away today
I would smile and forgive
Life is not an eternal gift

I am not afraid to let go
I’ve been clinging on far too long
My hands scraped raw with survival
Exhaustion built up throughout my body

I am not afraid to say I’ve done wrong
I’ve been stupid and childish
Hurt others in a moments impulse
Bloodied my own knuckles with fury

I am not afraid to say goodbye
For the bad, I’ve done good too
Been kind and caring at times
Raised up strangers and friends when I could

I am not afraid to die soon
I will embrace life for what it was
Pain, misery, love and hope
And with one final breath add an echo of my imprint to the universe