When life pummels you with lemons

I’m trying to understand why I feel so broken

Perhaps the foundation was never there

Or maybe I was building it up when doubt settled in 

Tumbling down the walls of strength

Leaving the raw bones of insecurity

There I am now with a sense of regret

Was there a point if it would not stand?

Or did it all have to come down so I can start again?

Now use the bricks instead of the stack of sticks

Then firmly re-attach the pieces

Through those covered cracks, sparkle scars firm in place.

To the friend I lost

A few lazy steps and we meet again

In the eyes of friends

Who keep the secret locked

Between the minor words we exchange

Broken and forever incomplete

A few fallen leaves and you’re back again

As encounters with fate resound in dry colors

And every gust of wind carries sighs

While I await the world to crumble

But it has denied me a response

A few short hours and the feeling is gone

Even with the taunting trees overlooking me

And the mute lake mimicking the clear skies

As silence mourns the loss of sounds

An outline of your vacancy

A few blank thoughts fill my lungs,

The moist air short of suffocating,

Formulates clouds that dream of the past

When showers were cooling and earth exhaled

Those quiet minutes engraved in my mind

A few minutes of silence then laughter

Through the storms and thick humid woods

And in every hand I hold from now on

As I walk forward with you nearby.

Triggers

Breathe in and out, in and out

The palpitations of the past burst into the now

Collapsing confidence like outdated pillars

Crushing ribs into the seams of a fragile heart

The scent of dried leaves

The cool crisp of the air

A day that was any day

Suddenly somber with a new reality

Breathe in and out, in and out

Red orange yellow shades on the ground

Eyes trailing down confused by the absence

The gaping whole growing larger 

An everlasting presence 

A new now of emptiness 

Forever a reminder that it wasn't

And every October it reawakens

A trigger breathing life into the wounds

Breathe in and out, in and out

Until I find my way back to solid ground.

We Fight

The night hate shouted louder

Everyone stood frozen

Fire illuminating the shadows of the ugly truth

Hearts crumbled at the disfiguration

Pulling apart the fabrics of freedom

The red stains and blue tears of hate

Tainted by the grips of imagined superiority 

The next day warriors took to the streets

Screaming for justice in their defense

Aware of the danger with faith in solidarity

Fists in the air, waving banners of compassion

Restoring the face of a land of opportunities

Through each stride they carried its foundation

This morning hate kept me awake

I shook with fear of war

For there was only fight ahead on the road

And I would not be one to turn 

By the light of torches

I am so broken and don't know how to fix this
I look around and all I see is cracks and imperfections
Blemishes of hate and pain
Anger throbbing from deep seeded roots
There is beauty that grows from those wounds
Yet it's all too broken
Slipping from my hands and dispersing to the universe
Furious and exhausted I grip on to the edge of nothing
Considering the worth of feeling infinite
And broken no more.

lost in the moment

I found myself lost today
When I picked up my eyes up off the floor
And realized I had strayed from all the paths
Though I couldn't remember if there ever was one

I found myself wandering through doubts
Am I smart enough
Am I good enough
Am I brave enough
Or am I still just trapped unchanged

I found myself numb
I did not want to feel
Every torturous sound pinned against my ears
Every blotch of hate bruised across my skin

I found myself lost today
Not wanting to find a way
I stood frozen waiting for an answer
Or for my feet to carve out the ground.

...can you see?

I once stood with pride to pledge allegiance
The words rang beautifully to young ears
Honored by the fight for freedom and promise of peace

With age came more complicated truths
That freedom was not for all and neither was peace
With these glimpses, my words wavered with doubt

Then came the red, white, and blue disguised in patriotism
Chanting "USA, USA, USA"
Voices with pride and entitlement

I used to chant
I used to place my hand to my heart
I'd sing along to our anthem

Until hate tainted the melody
The false prophets wore my flag
Fading the honor from the colors

To sing along blind to the crimes
To honor the blood spilled for our rights
One does not just carry a banner

One honors the truth, ugly as it may be
One takes a knee if the country fails to stand
One takes back ownership of our colors

To be a true patriot is to resist
Until we honor the foundation with justice

How terrifying it is to live

How terrifying it is to live afraid of death
When around the corner is the threat that all will be lost
One cannot exist with laughter and love
Because of accidents
Unjustifiable judgements made in time

How terrifying it is to live knowing your death could be justified
Diminished to poor decisions or a fraction of final minutes
One cannot find value in one's life if in one simple word it is all lost
Thief
Thug
Illegal

How terrifying it is to live on the margins
The world set up to suit only the chosen few
One cannot prosper in the shadows of doubt
In need of hope
In need of justice

How terrifying it is to live with fear
I could lose you tomorrow-- find your name and picture on the news
One cannot be at peace when there is only war
Lost lives
Battle scars

How terrifying it is to live afraid of death
Not because we dream of living forever,  but because we dream of life
With stopped heartbeats reduced to a few thoughts and prayers
One cannot live
One cannot grow
One cannot find peace
Until lives that matter finally matter.

Liar Liar

I stare at the wall of lies

The colorful fanfare of hypocrisy

Blank eyes with stiff smiles

You lie

Look over there they point

Throwing confetti at the child

As if he deserved a pat on the back

You lie

The masks painted in bright colors

Unnatural creations that hide

The untrustworthy grins beneath

They lie

Watch the deceit

It flows from desperate mouths

And still they listen and preach

They lie

I hear the chants of reason

The hope of the beaten

Eternal fires of strength

We rise

I filter

When I speak to you about hate
I filter
Because I don't believe you can handle the truth
The facts are not coated in sugar but soiled in blood
It is a heavy chain my ancestors and sisters have carried
And years of solitude in our thoughts compile after a while
What you will hear won't be gentle words but painful realities
The kind that slant the world upside right reared to its cruelty

When I speak of love
I filter
Because the world rejects the idea of not fitting a box
Woman or Man: check one
You can't love both--that is denial
If you deny then you belong no where
How would I know to accept you or hate you?
How would I believe you are honest in your intentions?
Because if you don't know who you are you must be deceitful

When I ask for help
I filter
Because one cannot be depressed and not be lazy or suicidal
Because I have to get up, can't let myself get down
And even though I trust you and know you wouldn't judge me
The world has too long ago taught me to filter that pain
Smile and be happy
Filter the tears, the bruised knuckles, and cuts on my legs
Thrive and rejoice in the dream job and house with 2.5 kids
None of which I want
But I filter
Because a woman who does not want children is not a woman at all
Miserable and alone because a career cannot be my only dream
I filter
Because although I have white allies, I have white enemies which poison my faith
And the continued imbalance leads me to filter my feelings
Otherwise I am too sensitive
Which is equivalent to wrong
Still I filter
Because the world is not safe for a brown person like me to voice my thoughts
When I could be met with equal parts of rejoicing and disdain

I filtered
I filtered because that was what I was taught
I filtered for survival
But living a half truth is not living
Rather stumbling blindly along
And the truth is a path of solid soil
Follow it and we shall never hide from the world again.

I worry that I may die soon

I worry that I may die soon

That everything will suddenly come to its end

Not for fear of death--I’d embrace it

But for fear of what has not been.

I worry that I may die soon

All those possibilities no longer ahead,

Instead a life measured by what it amounted to

Hopes and dreams on broken wings.

I worry that I may die soon

And that I went untouched by life

I worry I didn’t love enough or said I love you

And if I did maybe not enough

I worry that I may die soon

And leave not just a past behind

But despite my best efforts people who loved me

For whatever reason that was

I worry that I may die soon

And that all my life would seem to be

Is a collection of maybe’s, what if’s, and someday’s

Rather than a solid life that lived.

I worry that I may die soon

And no eyes would have seen my words,

No arms sensed my sadness,

And no smiles lit up by my warmth.

I worry that I may die soon

And all I’ll have are these lines of doubt

No further proof that I cared enough

To worry that I would die.