Liar Liar

I stare at the wall of lies

The colorful fanfare of hypocrisy

Blank eyes with stiff smiles

You lie

Look over there they point

Throwing confetti at the child

As if he deserved a pat on the back

You lie

The masks painted in bright colors

Unnatural creations that hide

The untrustworthy grins beneath

They lie

Watch the deceit

It flows from desperate mouths

And still they listen and preach

They lie

I hear the chants of reason

The hope of the beaten

Eternal fires of strength

We rise

I filter

When I speak to you about hate
I filter
Because I don't believe you can handle the truth
The facts are not coated in sugar but soiled in blood
It is a heavy chain my ancestors and sisters have carried
And years of solitude in our thoughts compile after a while
What you will hear won't be gentle words but painful realities
The kind that slant the world upside right reared to its cruelty

When I speak of love
I filter
Because the world rejects the idea of not fitting a box
Woman or Man: check one
You can't love both--that is denial
If you deny then you belong no where
How would I know to accept you or hate you?
How would I believe you are honest in your intentions?
Because if you don't know who you are you must be deceitful

When I ask for help
I filter
Because one cannot be depressed and not be lazy or suicidal
Because I have to get up, can't let myself get down
And even though I trust you and know you wouldn't judge me
The world has too long ago taught me to filter that pain
Smile and be happy
Filter the tears, the bruised knuckles, and cuts on my legs
Thrive and rejoice in the dream job and house with 2.5 kids
None of which I want
But I filter
Because a woman who does not want children is not a woman at all
Miserable and alone because a career cannot be my only dream
I filter
Because although I have white allies, I have white enemies which poison my faith
And the continued imbalance leads me to filter my feelings
Otherwise I am too sensitive
Which is equivalent to wrong
Still I filter
Because the world is not safe for a brown person like me to voice my thoughts
When I could be met with equal parts of rejoicing and disdain

I filtered
I filtered because that was what I was taught
I filtered for survival
But living a half truth is not living
Rather stumbling blindly along
And the truth is a path of solid soil
Follow it and we shall never hide from the world again.

I worry that I may die soon

I worry that I may die soon

That everything will suddenly come to its end

Not for fear of death--I’d embrace it

But for fear of what has not been.

I worry that I may die soon

All those possibilities no longer ahead,

Instead a life measured by what it amounted to

Hopes and dreams on broken wings.

I worry that I may die soon

And that I went untouched by life

I worry I didn’t love enough or said I love you

And if I did maybe not enough

I worry that I may die soon

And leave not just a past behind

But despite my best efforts people who loved me

For whatever reason that was

I worry that I may die soon

And that all my life would seem to be

Is a collection of maybe’s, what if’s, and someday’s

Rather than a solid life that lived.

I worry that I may die soon

And no eyes would have seen my words,

No arms sensed my sadness,

And no smiles lit up by my warmth.

I worry that I may die soon

And all I’ll have are these lines of doubt

No further proof that I cared enough

To worry that I would die.