Monster Slaying

When I step out,  I sense you 

I feel the weight of your eyes following me

I hear the whispered thoughts even if you don’t scream them 

And if you do,  there is a sudden break in my calm

All at once I become high alert

Heart thumping up to my brain

Thoughts running for the nearest exit

I was trained by the likes of you to fear

To learn I was always unsafe

Can’t look too calm or I attract attention

Can’t look too certain or I attract your hate

Every day since I  was born a girl

It’s been a boot camp for survival

Don’t wear that

Don’t talk back

Don’t think for a second we don’t own you

Today as I walked home I wanted to scream 

Not for fear, but disgust

Ive grown tired of feeling your breath on my neck

Knowing no matter how many me too’s I hear you sit there in power

I am angry

Not in the quiet, enough is enough way

As in the beast inside me is raging to attack

No longer fall in line with what I’ve been taught 

I wanted to feel that I can wake fear in you

Maybe you’d turn your eyes away then

Avoid crossing my path

Know that one false move and you’d be in my line of attention

But I am not that person

I slay monsters like you

I will join the chorus until you can’t hear your own thoughts 

Until you know deep in your bones that we are your problem 

And we slay monsters left and right

We know too well how you work

So yes, you are our victims now

Call and Respond

It is just magical to witness you
How the light lands on all the right angles
You smile so feather light
Everything in this picture is perfect
From the flowers in your hair
To the men at your side
Even the babies seem peaceful
It all sings together in sweet harmony

Except me.

My hair does not flow in the wind,
It whips roughly against my face
The sun does not offer me it's love, 
It drains my composure with discomfort
And this smile, it is broken
Half real and half pretense for survival

I do not envy your life,
Please do not misunderstand
I wish I knew the happiness that fills it
Everything quiet and lovely that glows in an instant
I yearn to hold this close
Instead of feeling fearful of joy like it's a ghost in my home
And I would love to dream gently with hope,
But my dreams always host a shark looming close

I don't care for picture perfect,
It's never been right for me
But I wish I knew how to smile and feel it
If anything I'd beg for the voice to explain this 

And I want you to hear me
The words spat out have purpose
And they demand to be heard.


There is a pause, and you wander off
Disappearing in front of my eyes
A vacancy that leaves behind the ghost of your existence 

I've watched you come and go
First, with new etchings on your skin
Bright eyed with dreams
Then, you retreat
Returning with chopped hair and bright colors
You said you understood now
You were you

I never saw the bruises on your knuckles
Nor the cuts along your thighs
I saw your eyes were wide,
Yet never realized the sadness that lay behind

I saw the quirks, the lightness with which you walked
Gliding across the Earth with pride
The depth of your love for art
Paint decorating up and down your arms
But I didn't hear the storms dragging nearby
Nor see the chains strapped to your side
Never once noted the dark colors bruising below your eyes

Now you leave me wishing I understood
When all I can see is these signs
But then you were a wonderful mystery
That I wish had remained undefined.

Memories

There was the day we laughed at each other
When the rain caught us by surprise
But we embraced the warmth

There was a day we lounged around doing nothing
Talking about everything:
Things that annoyed us and dreams that felt possible for a minute

There was a moment our eyes met
Right through the room filled with others
We ran for each other, dancing out the joy of our reunion

There was a night we sat quietly in your car
Just content with each others company
But I knew then things were left unsaid

There was that time we drank too much
It was freeing and safe then
Everything seemed lighter and we had one another

There was the day you noticed I was not okay
You quietly talked around it as if I would crumble
But with those few words I understood you cared

There was the moment it all changed
You hurt me
Then I hurt you
We fell silent, becoming worse than strangers
Because I don't care for them, but you?
I wanted to talk to you
Still I couldn't because there was pain
And I wish I was a better person
But I hold on to retaliation like a shield against my heart
You were there and then you weren't
But I was left missing everything
And wishing it didn't have the bitter aftertaste

There was a moment I realized I would take it back
Have my do-over and try again
Be the better person
Be braver and face you
That was not me then
But now, I wish it had been

There is a moment I haven't lived yet
And that's one we will be us again.