Letter to the future, past, present

I don't believe in your I listen
When you take my words and toss them aside
To make room for yourself
Turning everything I speak insignificant next to your lines

I don't believe in your I care
Because it sounds lovely, really it does
But when you flaunt kindness and care you don't earn points
I have known heroes whom were silent and exhausted

I don't believe in your I love you's
When you wont be real about its realness
With one breath you swat away the feather light words
And take away a hope barely grown

I don't believe the way you look at me
It sends one message but your actions sends another
You thrive in pulling me close enough to push me away
And leave me at nothing in the end

I believe in hands that hold mine through the good and unknowingly the bad
I believe in hearts that listen and know that it matters
I believe in actions of unyielding support that scream I love you
And I believe in honesty to tell me I was wrong

I believe in solid truths and deserve them.

Round 47

Everyone describes depression as an experience

For me it’s the longest relationship I’ve been in

We are constantly fighting until one of us breaks, usually me

Then I gather my strength to stand once again and we go more rounds

Everyone looks at depression as sadness

For me it’s a sink deep in my gut in which anything remotely good falls into

And sadness is a feeling and sometimes I can’t feel

But when I have sadness you won’t hear it, you won’t see it, but it lingers around me

I keep it tightly locked inside but sometimes it creeps through the cracks

Everyone believes depression will eventually go away

I used to as well but time has taught me otherwise

Sometimes it’s quietly in the edges of my life, observing until it’s ready for the next attack

Sometimes it sits on my chest keeping me barely alive with short breaths

But no matter how long it’s there or how long it leaves, I know it will come back

We are in a chaotic dance of life and death

There is nothing left but fighting

But I never said I would let it win. 

Dysthymia

Imagine a voice always there

Robbing happiness from the small moments

Marking the bad with permanent etches into your body

Imagine exhaustion so heavy you can’t sleep

It drags with you through the day

Lands heavy into your chest as you lay 

Imagine a mind so wired with hate

Thoughts pummel you with guilt 

Spiral you through the past 

Imagine years of agonizing confusion

Will it always be this way?

Am I the exception? 

Imagine the nightmares and loneliness

You want to both scream out your pain

Let the world know, let them in

Or silence the shame

Hide the wounds with an I’m okay

Tuck away the secrets, put up a front 

Who would understand?

At the end of the day—can you really imagine it?

Not Beauty, Not Beast

I need to stop pretending I am beautiful

That it was even a step I could reach 

My cheeks too round 

My body type too full

My eyes too kind

Everything at the wrong end of “pretty”

I need to stop wanting it so badly

Seeking approval from strangers

Hoping to equal people I’ll never meet

That will never care to glance towards me

Truly—neither will I

For they will never be the likes of mine

I need to tend to these wounds

Raw since originally crafted

Every movie a confirmation of my “not beauty”

Every diet forcing me to digest an ugly truth

I am not perfect

Nor do I want to be

I am wrong in all the right ways

Built to be strong from broken bones, bruised egos, and questioning brows

I am no beauty, I am no beast

I am truly magnificently me.

I am not afraid

I am not afraid to die
If it wished death would guide me away today
I would smile and forgive
Life is not an eternal gift

I am not afraid to let go
I’ve been clinging on far too long
My hands scraped raw with survival
Exhaustion built up throughout my body

I am not afraid to say I’ve done wrong
I’ve been stupid and childish
Hurt others in a moments impulse
Bloodied my own knuckles with fury

I am not afraid to say goodbye
For the bad, I’ve done good too
Been kind and caring at times
Raised up strangers and friends when I could

I am not afraid to die soon
I will embrace life for what it was
Pain, misery, love and hope
And with one final breath add an echo of my imprint to the universe